Quotes by : Demetri Martin

THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail,....

And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to....

Fact: The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get....

I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I....

Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really....

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

It is illegal to yell “fire” in a crowded theater. If there is a fire, please yell something else....

Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

Like a lot of people, I’ve always enjoyed commenting on strangers’ outfits. Unlike a lot of people,....

No one ever thinks about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves.