Quotes by : Demetri Martin

THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail,....

Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed....

I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I....

REGARDING THE MARCHING BAND: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.

It is illegal to yell “fire” in a crowded theater. If there is a fire, please yell something else....

I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your....

My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if....

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'

Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no....

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.