Quotes by : Joan Rivers

Comedy is learning to be funny, and you learn to be funny in small rooms with young audiences.

I said, "Is there!" I told him there is a Mafia school where they teach them math — if Johnny has ten....

Never floss with a stranger.

I take him to McDonald's just to watch him eat and see the numbers change.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a....

He loves to eat - he puts mayonnaise on an aspirin.

With plastic surgery, the general anesthetic is like a black-velvety sleep, and that's what death is....

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.