Quotes by : Billy Connolly

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever becoming one.”"Don't vote. It just....

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking....

If you give people a chance, they shine.

Marriage is a wonderful invention but then again so is a bicycle repair kit.

I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it....

When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after....

The human race has been set up. Someone somewhere is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently women....

The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.....

Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.