Quotes by : Mitch Hedberg

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the....

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.