Quotes by : Mitch Hedberg

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them....

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have....

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the....

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble,....

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.