Quotes by : Mitch Hedberg

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.....

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have....

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble,....

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.