Quotes by : Chelsea Handler

My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time....

You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.

After discovering him in his threesome, I spent the next two weeks in bed suffering from a severe case....

E! has just become a sad, sad place to live. They don't know what they're doing; they have no ideas.......

There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.

Can you imagine peaking as a teen? I think if you peak in high school, there's a problem. That's what....

I do think about marriage, but it's not the end-all goal.

Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested....

One of my girlfriends was getting married. This was becoming an annoying pattern.

The big one was at least cute, and as annoying as she was, you couldn't get mad at a golden retriever.....