Quotes by : Chelsea Handler

Everywhere I go, people ask me about Jennifer Aniston's wedding. Everywhere I go. I always say to her,....

And just like that, as if I hadn't said anything at all, the ladies sprang into a conversation about....

Why are babies allowed to cry when they wake up, but adults crying when they wake is frowned upon? Babies....

This kind of mixing of ingredients happens all the time at fast-food places... You know when you order....

My mother agreed to aid my abuse of alcohol but only if I promised never to tell my newly converted Mormon....

I wanted to be famous. It's embarrassing to admit, but I came out to L.A. thinking it would happen in....

If I had seen pictures of people eating each other on the wall, I would've told him I was into cannibalism.....

I can't," I said. "I threw my back out masturbating.

I have always maintained a strong opposition to marriage because I would have to be in serious denial....

Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to be....