Quotes by : Jim Gaffigan

I love the phrase "I have a sweet tooth." I always want to say, "You're ordering it for your tooth? That's....

Ironically, to my children, bedtime is a punishment that violates their basic rights as human beings.....

All I want to do is be a good dad, but I'm pretty bad at it.

Each city in the southeastern part of the United States has its own unique type of specialty food that....

For me, it's always a little sad getting out of bed. Every morning after I get up, I always gaze longingly....

I used to wonder why I had hair on my legs, but now I know it's for my toddler sons and daughters to....

I feel guilty when I feed them unhealthy food they like. I feel guilty when I feed them healthy food....

People treat having a kid as somehow retiring from success. Quitting. Have you seen a baby? They’re....

Occasionally, a dog will be presented as some training method for having a baby. "My girlfriend and I....

I resent when I go out to dinner and they try to sell me the healthy food for the same price as the good....