Quotes by : Steven Wright

I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and....

I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!

Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.

People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give....

I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I spilled spot remover on my dog now he's gone.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Hermits have no peer pressure.