Quotes by : Henny Youngman

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

I wanted to become an atheist but I gave it up. They have no holidays.

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week.....

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.