Quotes by : Henny Youngman

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

I wanted to become an atheist but I gave it up. They have no holidays.

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad but New York City?

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.