Quotes by : Henny Youngman

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad but New York City?

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win. -Henny Youngman, comedian and violinist (1906-1998)....

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.