Quotes by : Stephen Colbert

They say the only people who tell the truth are drunkards and children. Guess which one I am.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure....

As far as I can tell, a young-adult novel is a regular novel that people actually read.

Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world....

NC passed law against global warming science, therefore it's not happening. So I'm ignoring Twitter's....

Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.

I like talking about people who don't have any power and it seems like some of the least powerful people....

Forgot to live-tweet the election last night, so I'm post-tweeting today. I'll start as soon as my fingers....

... had to pee like a racehorse at an Iced Tea convention.